Wednesday, November 11, 2009

New Tatoo on my BUTTOCKS.


Damn, sometimes I think I might need to give up drinking. Woke up this morning with this new tatoo on my right buttock. Why the fuck did I have to get it in a place that all my Nazi buddies will see? This is even worse than the time that I passed out butt up in air at the black gay bar.

Friday, November 6, 2009

GROWING BEARDS AND LOOKING COOL FOR WINTER


When winter is here the beard grows long. Gots to look fashionable when hanging with my homies! Hell Yeth I do!!! My mongrel baby daughter turned 1 year old. Ain't she cute? Just a chip off the old block, if I do say so myself. PARTY HARD MY NIGS, PARTY HARD!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

My Childhood Photos. Mommy always called me: "A cute little bastard!"





Dear old Mom is fixing to burn her house down for the insurance money so she brought some of my childhood photos by today. Damn, these pictures bring me back to my childhood. My earliest memories (like everything they are a little fuzzy though) is of mom shaking the shit out of me and saying, "Quit, crying you little bastard, before I beat you into a god damned coma!!!" Now I don't have any memories of my daddy on a account of mommy was never really too sure who he was. But she always told me to be real nice to uncle Billy Bob and cousin Joe Bob because they were a couple of strong possibilities. The below picture is of me, mom, and uncle Billy Bob (20 years before the fire arm accident and he became known as uncle three toes).

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Trouble at Work

The best thing about where I work is that my boss Billy Bob (mommy says he could be my daddy, more on that next time) is my uncle (yes same uncle who lost a toe or two in that accidental fire arms discharge). So usually even when I fuck up he only fires me for a few days. Then some fucking Jew at work goes and puts up some fucking cameras. What kind of shit is that? OH well, Please please please Mr. Obama, keep those unemployment checks coming! Please!

You Bet your ass! CHRIS DRAKE PARTIES HARD!


Woke up screaming this morning with my dick, my little SS Storm Trooper caught up in my fly. Never thought nuthin' could hurt so bad! The trouble with living in a small town is that you keep running into the people who are pissed off at you. Timmy the Ambulance driver wuz still all pissed because I didn't drive his slut sis the last mile from the abortion clinic! I mean what is a party animal to do? She wanted to go to the Pharmacy and I wanted to go to the bar? Like get your priories straight here bitch, okay? If she didn't want to get a bum deal you shouldn't have let me knock you up. So instead of pulling it out all nice and easy or sedating me first Timmy rips it out all fast and with vengence in his little black heart.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee they say the whole trailer park heard my girlie like scream. Shit, haven't screamed like that since mommy threw me out of her basement for accidental fire arms discharge (Uncle Billy Bob didn't those two toes anyway).


On the upside of things I got my water back on in Michael Blevins name. Hope he won't mind. I really am going to pay it this time. I know I said that before the last 6 times but I really mean it this time. The cat was pretty damn happy about the situation. Guess I'd been forgetting to give the little bastard some water. The little bitch seems to like getting even with me by shitting in my stero head phones.

Well with Halloween fastly approaching I must remember to score some roofies so I can find a pretty lady and have a special night with her. I'm a little low of funds because the boss fired me from my forklift job (who would have imagined that drinking on the job was against the rules?) I promise to vote for you Mr. Obama just keep those unemployment checks coming. ALWAYS REMEMBER: CHRIS DRAKE PARTIES HARD!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Stinky Socks

Well shit, me and the woman split, she says she is tired of me beating her every time I get drunk. So when I came home last night, from the bar, I decided to paint "Bitch" on her trailer. Trouble was all trailers kind of look a like, in the dark, when you're drunk and maybe I got a bit confused because I accidently wrote "Bitch" on my own trailer unstead of her and her mamma's which sets next door. Also we got our first snow of the year which ain't a necessarily a bad thing because the city turned the water off again. Note to self, don't eat the yellow snow outside the back door.

Well when I got home last night I had to shit and after I laid an egg in the waterless toilet (which was how I discovered the city had cut the water off again) I found that the bitch hadn't got any toilet paper or maybe she took what toilet paper she did get with her when she left, the ungrateful whore. So I wiped my ass with my sock. Now this wasn't no big problem until I woke up, real hung over and put the sock on. I tell you, all this shit is the Jews fault. If there were no fucking Jews (and niggers) I wouldn't be having these problems.